A very kind and compassionate woman I once met often used to use the phrase 'Pain is pain' during our conversations. It was something I had felt strongly about for a long time, but never found quite as short and sweet a way to articulate it. Pain is pain... Simply put, this phrase is a reminder to us all that we should never, ever try to minimize the pain that someone else is going through.
Perhaps this view is one that would be part of a lot of the controversy in today's complicated society of political correctness, but I stand firm in my belief in those three words; pain is pain. Phrases such as "It could be worse!", "At least X, Y, or Z didn't happen to you!", are some examples of what I find to be an extremely unhelpful way of offering comfort to someone in pain. This is not to say that we should only focus on the negative, or that positive affirmations and 'putting things into perspective', so to speak, can't be extremely helpful ways of reducing discomfort and pain. In my opinion, however, it is and should always be up to the individual themselves to use this method for comfort when they are in pain. If I'm having one of my down days, where I feel as though my anxiety is out of control, it all feels hopeless, like an endless spiral of destruction that just won't stop, what does being told by a loved one that "things could be worse!" do? Well... -It makes me feel as though I am weak: I don't want to be made to feel that I shouldn't be upset because other people have gone through the same or worse with a brave face, it causes me to question why I can't be as brave as those I'm being compared to, which in turn makes me feel weak in comparison. -It makes me feel guilty: Comparing my situation to one that you believe to be much 'worse' causes me to feel an incredible guilt for struggling so much with whatever I am going through. Why do you get to decide which is worse? How do we measure who's pain is the most valid? Why does my pain have to compete with someone else's pain? -It makes me feel as though you think I'm creating my own pain: I'm fully aware that people go through horrific and unspeakable things every day. I'm fully aware and so, so grateful that I am in such a privileged position in society and probably always will be. However, when you remind me of all the much worse things I could be going through, it makes me wonder if you think I'm just making up or exaggerating my feelings. Do you think I just want pity? Do you think I would just pretend to be suffering in order to gain it? -It makes me feel as though I can't trust you to be there for me: When we love someone unconditionally, we should do just that. Unconditionally should mean that we support and love them no matter what. It means that if I tell you I am really struggling today, you should not question it, you should just be there for me, as I would for you. And lastly, -It makes me want to kick you in the scrotum: 'Nuff said... Pain is not always outwardly visible. Pain is not always the result of a traumatic event. In some cases, for those with depression and anxiety, having someone remind them of all the other awful things in the world such as murder, hunger, rape and Donald Trump can often push that person further into the dark hole they are already in. It is up to the individual in pain to remind themselves of these things, to put their own pain into perspective for themselves, if that is what works for them. But nobody else should ever have the right to tell you that your pain is not valid. A phrase such as pain is pain can help to remind us that all pain should be treated as valid. Rebecca, x
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AuthorsRebecca & Rebekah Archives
March 2017
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